But the next week would prove to be one of the most life-changing and best seven days of my life. How do you go from running at lighting speed away from God, abandoning anything remotely associated with him... to fully and completely embracing him and his love and everything he stands for. How do you go from sitting atop a mountain of pride to kneeling on hands and knees, humbled and in adoration of him? For me it was a combination of surrender and longing.. for rest, for peace, for answers in the midst of all my pain, emotional trauma, and heartbreak. I was so tired, emotionally and physically, after probably the hardest and darkest three years of my life. Breakaway felt like someone opened the door after I'd been trapped in a dark room full of smoke, suffocating, and a flood of light and air came pouring in. I lost myself in the infinite beauty and complexity of who God is.. I opened my heart, mind, and soul to the possibility that maybe he had not abandoned me.. maybe he had things he wanted to tell me and truths he wanted to reveal to me, and I simply needed to submit to his guidance. It had started with going to church.. stepping outside my comfort zone to sit in a chapel full of people I didn't know. Now he had asked me to trust him that what seemed like the most terrifying thing in the world could actually become the most awesome thing, if I let it. Not I'm so thankful he led me to Campus Focus and the people.. he knew what was good for me and what I needed then so well.
Over my time spent in the camp, I spent four incredible hours with God in complete isolation and silence, without any outside distractions. I know this sounds absolutely awful to some people,( a.k.a. extroverts or people who always love to be around people) don't get me wrong, I love to be around people too but allow me to enlighten you and tell you isolation is actually the most wonderful type of therapy in the world. This is my second year in a row at Breakaway, and both years have left me completely blown away at the power of "solitude time" as we call it. The camp is situated in a ideal place that makes room for such things; you can wander off on an adventure to spend time with god, to the docks, through the woods, or find solitude beneath a shady tree in your hammock or on your picnic blanket. It's amazing what the combination of praying, studying the bible, listening to sermons, and spending time with people who were actively pursuing God did for me.
The people in my small group were so welcoming and kind; while initially I was petrified of sharing my thoughts each night after the service, I would gradually grow more comfortable and begin to open up so much more. I found the place I was at in my life left me much more vulnerable, which I learned was not a bad thing. While I had tended for so long to shut down my heart and my feelings, to hide away from relationships and intimacy, I was now trying to once again, wear my heart on my sleeve and grow close to the people God had put in my small group. It's really amazing how close you can grow to someone, even in the tiny time slot of seven days. Someone can go from being a complete stranger who you're afraid is judging you for your goofy mannerisms or habits... to your new best friend and that's one of the most beautiful things about this trip.By the time we were headed home, back to wintry, snow-blown Ohio and our normal lives.. I just wanted to give each one of the girls and guys in my group a big hug and be like , " I'm going through a really rough time right now, but I've realized I'm not alone in the struggle. You guys don't have it all together either.. and that's ok. none of us have to keep it together all the time.
This is a safe and sacred space, where we are free to talk to each other.. to pray, cry, and maybe it even gets a little heavy, but we can hold each other up and share the burden. you showed me Jesus's unconditional love in this meaningful moments we've shared.. at the time I needed it most. so thank you." there were miracles being wrought now not only in my life in that incredibly intense week, but in so many others. God was breaking down the walls people had built up in their hearts and he was breathing and moving.. through the quiet, peaceful atmosphere of the beach as we took time to revive and refresh ourselves.. as we pulled away from the multiple, endless distractions of modern-day life.. from the pressures, responsibility and often exhausting and tedious routines of work and college back at home... as we sought his face whole-heatedly, one- one- one.. on a dock in the middle of a lake in the woods, head bowed and heart open to his words.
He was moving in the honest tears that fell when the full extent of his love hit us head on.. by Sunday, we were completely blown away and in awe... I for one felt the full impact of the transformation that had taken place in me. It was as if God had given me a long, warm hug, pulled me in in spite of all my pride, stubbornness, and rejection of him, and offered me healing for the wounds of my heartbreak. His love had been shown in the faces and actions of the people I met.. in the atmosphere of hope and joy that I was surrounded by on all sides.. and most of all in the worship. There is a level of closeness and intimacy with God that can only be felt on a trip.. in a place like this. And let me tell you it is simply indescribable. there is such a world of difference between merely showing up to church and lifelessly reciting the songs you've learned.. and breathing and feeling every single word.. engaged in a passionate love affair with God. Sometimes you are so overwhelmed by how real his presence is you want to get on your knees, face to the ground, suddenly aware of just how small and insignificant compared to him.. the creator of the universe, of all the beauty that yo use around you. You realize how merciful and incredibly good and full of grace he is, inspite of how wretched and selfish and flawed you are.
He knew you would run from him, he knew you would reject him, he knew you would doubt and deny and defy his love.. but he came for you anyway, in human form, fully giving of himself in a sacrificial act of denial. and after all that running, you realize just how exhausted you are and how you just cant resist him anymore. Instead of running away from him, thinking you're better off on your own, you instead run with all your might, tears running down your face, right into his compassionate all- forgiving, all knowing arms. It doesn't matter what you've done or said before; because the first step toward redemption is acceptance of him and what he was done for you, an acknowledgement of his grace and holiness, a realization of how undeserving you are.. but a willingness to listen to him and to offer what you have to him. At least this is where I find myself now, after a year and a half of him drawing me in.. and teaching me more and more about who he is. For me my favorite act of service to him has often been through worship.. it simply feels like the most natural thing in the world. I've been thinking about it lately and I've realized..that's probably because worshiping god is what we were meant to do.
God has revealed so many things to me while worshiping, convicted me about my unbelief and doubt, calmed my anxiety and silenced my fears all through the all powerful outlet of music. When I'm worshiping, I am oblivious to basically everyone around me. I am completely focused on Jesus and giving him glory and praise.. I feel more at ease and comfortable with who I am when I'm worshiping. I'm free to be myself in that moment, who he made be to be- to sing, cry, dance, raise my hands- whatever I feel called to do. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, because I am intent on his face, remembering everything that he has done for me and how far he has carried me.
It has never failed to amaze me how much can be accomplished in the course of one CF session. While before you entered, you might have been feeling anxious, depressed, discouraged, overwhelmed, or stressed- you emerge renewed, rejuvenated, and with the most blissful and holy sense of peace. Flash forward a year and a half after my first Breakway trip and I was in my first semester of college. It was the week before finals and along with many other students, I was starting to worry about all the mounting assignments and upcoming exams I had to prepare for. I contemplated skipping church that evening, in the pursuit of studying and working on my homework. Instead, I pushed myself to still go and boy.. again what a transformation. I know it sounds terrible, but that day I had looked at church as a waste of time that day, and thought I'd be better off at home, working. I discovered as I had many times before, that church was adding something to my life, not taking away. All it took was 45 minutes spent in Jesus's presence, praising him with a room full of students just like me.. and suddenly all my fears and anxiety had seemingly vanished. I could swear I emerged from that room a drastically different person. It was felt, literally and figuratively as if a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders.. God had reached out, and lovingly but reprovingly said, "be still. it's ok to breathe here. You can take a break. Let me refresh your soul. Set your eyes on me, and I will renew your strength." and that's exactly what I did. There's a wonderful quote from author Ann Voskamp that I absolutely love and I think it completely embodies what I'm saying : " The answer to much anxiety is to exult Christ." I realize this is a very simply quote, but I really feel that she summarizes it perfectly. God has taught me again and again that the answer to my recurring anxiety and depression is to praise him.. worship is freeing, quite possibly one of the most freeing things in the world. It's a declaration of love and respect and honor to God, a love song to him telling of how great he is and all he has done. There has been so many times where I thought my panic attacks were going to be the death of me. but I just mean I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what else to do.. I'd be sitting in my car driving home from work while this intense pain set on my chest and I felt certain I had to be having a heart attack. as painful as they got, I began to learn to rely on the Lord more and more, and in the midst of this, the level of intimacy I acquired could only be described as sweet..to be allowed to draw near to him in the midst of it. For the longest time, I was actually angry at God. I felt my anxiety was a sort of curse, because it sometimes made it so hard for me to function at work and school. But gradually as time went on I learned to actually be grateful for it.. because it brought me closer to him.
Because to put it frankly.. I am still broken. I am still struggling each and every day.. and continually being convicted for my persistent need for him. There are still days where I'm crippled by my anxiety.. or where I grow sad and feel defeated.. like I'm drowning. days where I lack the strength to keep pushing through this complicated and imperfect mess that is life. I am the woman caught in adultery, condemned to death by her accusers.. kneeling in the dust, awaiting her fate. I am Mary Magdalene, possessed by seven demons and in desperate need of Jesus's freedom and light. In my darkness moments, I'm exposed, helpless, dirty, but also humbled. my tears seem endless like they will never stop. I feel abandoned and alone, unworthy, and hopelessness is an ocean at times. I'm exhausted. I can't go on any further and the future has never looked bleaker. I'm just a little human.. fallible and faltering.. I need to be saved.. from myself and the wickedness of my prideful, sinful heart. And yet.. he a holy king and the author of the universe.. does not condemn me, he does not judge, or correct or lecture. His face bears no resemblance of the disappointment or anger that I might expect. He is tender. He is kind. He lifts my tear- stained face, cupping my chin gently and offers me the comfort of his embrace. He is a safe harbor, a hiding place. He is light gradually breaking through the tunnel of my fears and then flooding into my heart like a tidal wave. He overwhelms me with the force of his love...to the point of tears.. to the point where my heart is caught in my throat. I can't find the words to speak what I'm experiencing then.Finally I simply can not resist him any longer and it's no longer just him running towards me but me running towards him. Because now I want more... I want to grow in him.. beyond what he has revealed in the beauty of his mercy. I crave him as my oxygen, my provider, my sustain-er, my deliver, and my savior, the author of all good things. I want to bring him glory for all he has done, for all he continues to do and all he will do.
I want to encourage you that wherever you might be going through in your life, Jesus is there with you, even if you can't feel him. I don't want to sound preachy or authoritative, because I am still very immature in my walk with Christ. But I do know that he loves each and every one of us, and he meets us exactly where we are. You don't have to have it all together, you could approach him just as you are.. bleeding, broken, lonely or sad. His arms are always open wide with acceptance and perfect, unconditional love. He will carry you when you can't walk any more, that I can assure you. His strength is made perfect in weakness and he longs for you to come to him.. he offers you everlasting love and peace and joy. He doesn't promise that you won't still struggle in this life, but he does promise to be with you always. I can assure, even as new as I am to walking with him, that a relationship with him is one of the greatest things ever. You will always have a friend to turn to because he will never abandon you.
These are just some of the verses that I felt God speak to me in my struggles and that I found to be encouraging
13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.[b] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14
“How can it be? When we're naked and ashamed and alone in our brokenness, Christ envelops us with His intimate grace. When we're rejected and abandoned and feel beyond wanting, Jesus cups our face: "Come close, my Beloved." When we're dirty and tear-stained and despairing, Jesus Christ is attracted to us and proposes undying love: "All that you're carrying I take... and all that I am is yours." How do you ever get over that?”
― The Broken Way: A Daring Path into the Abundant Life
12 It is necessary to go on boasting. Though it is not profitable, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago (whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows) was caught up to the third heaven. 3 And I know that this man (whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, God knows) 4 was caught up into paradise and heard things too sacred to be put into words, things that a person is not permitted to speak. 5 On behalf of such an individual I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except about my weaknesses. 6 For even if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I would be telling the truth, but I refrain from this so that no one may regard me beyond what he sees in me or what he hears from me, 7 even because of the extraordinary character of the revelations. Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me—so that I would not become arrogant. 8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."
