Hopefully the title of this post does not imply that I am trying to be someone's therapist, or mental health expert. I'm definitely far too young and inexperienced with life, to make any such ludicrous claim. But I simply wanted to share today some thoughts I've been having lately, mainly on heartbreak and the impact it leaves on us. Now, I completely realize that there is countless ways people can have their heart broken.I know I'm only 19, and haven't been alive long enough to know everything about it. It can happen because of a bad breakup, a unexpected death of a loved one, a sacred promise broken when someone deliberately or intentionally hurts you. I understand I'm only citing a few of the scenarios, in which the tragedy of heartbreak occurs.
But, even from my brief comprehension on the topic, I think we can all agree that, to put it frankly, heartbreak... sucks. It's like one moment everything could be completely fine, and the next moment, our whole world is turned completely upside down. We feel like we're drowning in our tears, and there is a invisible shroud of hopelessness hanging over us. Threatening to suffocate or choke us in it's powerful grasp, stifling our cries of protest or pain. At least, this is how it felt for me. Once again, I don't want anyone to think I'm writing about this, like I'm pretending to be everyone's psychologist. Or that I'm doing it to make people feel sorry, or evoke pity for me.
I just want to be vulnerable, and get a lot of thoughts onto paper, after a long time of processing what's happened in the past nine months of my life. I'm hoping I can encourage people who are suffering right now, that there is hope and beauty in your pain, even though it doesn't seem like it.
I'd be lying if I said that the past few years of my life have been easy, by any means. I've been going through a lot of personal stuff since I turned 15, and made plenty of mistakes and bad decisions. I honestly think that trying/failing are inevitable parts of growing up. Nobody is perfect, and nobody always makes the right choice. we are all human. we are all flawed. but I definitely felt like the 16th year of my life was once of the hardest, most painful years ever. There is so many things going on, when you're that young, so many aspects of the world you're trying to process and explore.
Being on the cusp of adulthood, you are beginning to start envisioning your future and what it might hold for you. You are beginning to think for yourself, and develop your own opinions/ viewpoints.
I definitely had as many up and downs as every budding teenager does. I went through a painful period of questioning who I was and what my purpose in life was. I was an introvert, and very shy and lonely because I didn't have a lot of friends. I felt like a total outcast, and struggled to fit in with people my age/ I was also, to be honest, in a bit of a rebellious phase, something that a lot of teenagers go through at some point.
However, these issues would slowly begin to resolve themselves, because of a number of different factors.Those were painful years, don't get me wrong. But It was during my 17th and 18th years, that I really felt like life grew very dark and cold. I began to struggle with crippling depression, anxiety, and self- deprecating thoughts about myself. I began to worry tremendously about the future, and what it might hold for me. I felt abandoned by God, after the past couple years of so much pain and hurt. There had been a lot of family problems, and my parents were very unsure about what God wanted for our family's future. It wasn't easy trying to find myself, when everyone around me was as equally unhappy as I was. In spite of everything going on though, I still maintained at least a flicker of hope that it would work out. I thought to myself, "God has got to give me and family a break. We've already been through so much the past couple years."
Such was not the case. I feel like 2017 was really when I completely and utterly hit rock bottom. I was more depressed than I had ever been in my whole life, through any of the rough seasons of the past few years. I didn't care about anything anymore, literally. My depression and passively suicidal behavior reached it's peak halfway through the year. I stopped caring. I stopped trying. I didn't put any effort into the way I looked, or try to take care of my body or emotional/physical health. I would go days without eating or sleeping, unfazed. I would forcibly make myself bleed on purpose, because it was the only time I could feel anything. I felt trapped inside this person I didn't know anymore. I was a ghost, stuck inside a hollow shell, screaming to be let out. The best metaphor I can think of is this; imagine yourself standing in front of a glass wall, staring through it. On the other side, you can see the real you. The happy, smiling, full of life human being that breathes, loves, dances, and connects with God and people. But you're stuck behind this wall, and you can't shatter the glass to break free.
I would look in the mirror every day, and hate myself. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't even cry about it anymore, like I used to be able to. I was numb from shock. The only way I knew how to block out all the stuff that was going on was to shut down completely. My heart grew cold and hard as stone. I was incapable of experiencing emotional pain or joy.I was not affectionate towards my family and friends. I would hide in my room because I was ashamed of myself and didn't understand what was going on. On one occasion, I distinctly remember opening the door to a friend of ours. She was visibly upset, and crying and I just didn't know what to do. The real me would have felt sorry for her, and tried to comfort her. But instead I just stood there, with a blank expression, stunned. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. I was indifferent and passive, because nothing mattered any more. I had shut down my heart and emotions about my life, because I had to protect myself. I would not be hurt again ,as I'd been hurt in the past. I locked my heart completely away, out of reach from anyone. i was terrified of closeness or intimacy with anyone. god forbid I should let anyone in, past the facade of the brave, emotionless person I was. My past and my future were dim and foggy. I completely lost the will to live anymore. I felt certain there was no longer any hope for me.
I couldn't have been more wrong. Towards the end of the year, I had begun to recover a little bit. With the help of my family and some friends I'd met through work, I began to finally open up about what I'd been going through. It wasn't easy. I was terrified of what they would think of me, when they knew what had been going on in my head.
To my great surprise, so many people showed up during that awful, but life-altering time period in my life. People I had known for years, but hadn't seen in forever. people from work. people I'd been friends with for a long time. some of them happened to be going through very similar stuff, at the same place in their life. They all showed up in so many different, uniquely amazing ways. some of them made my laugh and took my mind off my troubles. others offered sage, comforting advice to ease my pain. still others would send me encouraging notes or songs to help me. If I hadn't gone through what I have, I never would have been able to fully appreciate the awesome people I was surrounded with. It was also during this time that I reconnected with a guy I'd known from work almost a year earlier. I had been a young, naive, and rather gullible `17 year old girl, I'm not afraid to admit. To make a long story short, I'd fallen madly in love with him. After four months, I'd gotten immensely attached and even given him a hand-made cd with songs I thought would encourage him. .I was devastated when he got a different job. I realize this sounds ridiculous to a lot of you, but back then, in my 17 year old brain, I thought it was the end of the world. I'd gotten my hopes up, anticipating that we would have a special relationship beyond the friendship we developed over those months. I didn't want to get out of bed for weeks afterwards, i was so depressed and devastated. I thought of all the rest and peace he'd brought to my weary love- starved, heart, simply by existing. I would walk into work after a hard day, ready to cry .and then I would see him, and he would make my laugh or smile. he was sweet and tender even on my worst days. he gave me hope to put it simply. and now it was all gone. I thought we could have a future together. but as it turns out, he wasn't meant to play a permanent role in my destiny. I didn't see him again for a very long time, and was forced to forget about him entirely, when I moved far from where he even lived. but we ran into each other months later, and I gave him my phone number. I put myself out there in a big way, telling him he could talk to me whenever he was sad or needed a friend.
I didn't think anything of it, or really expect anything to happen. he messaged me on his own accord, and started to initiate discussions. But we ended up having some very intimate, private conversations, sharing everything about our life and past to each other. He even sent me some very personal, dark songs he had written. I had longed to read something he wrote, ever since I'd realized we had a love of writing in common.(among other things). I could not believe, after so many months of loneliness and despair, here I was. having one-on-one phone conversations with this wonderful boy, who I thought at the time was the "man of my dreams". I had thought that part of my life was over, and I would never see him again. But a hope was rekindled in me, that he could be the guy I'd always wanted and fulfill my longing for love and intimacy.
He eventually manipulated me into admitting I had romantic feelings for him. I resisted at first, refusing to open up because I didn't want our friendship ruined. Eventually, I summed up all the courage I could muster. I lay my heart completely bare for him. I told him, how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. I told him I knew about his depression, suicidal past, and the other dark aspects he thought I found undesirable. He insisted that he could never be good enough for someone like me, but I told him I loved him just the way he was. I really thought that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship, and some relief in my loneliness and pain. Once again, God had a different plan in mind. For a short period of time, my short-lived relationship with Ryan eased the pain of my depression, anxiety, and uncertainty about the future. He told me he wanted to make my happy, and that I could talk to him anytime I wanted to. He gave me every indication a girl could ask for that he wanted to have a special relationship with me.
Then, suddenly, after days of conversation, he stopped talking to me all together. This was completely out of the blue and uncalled for. i felt like we had finally reached a turning point, culminating in my confession of love. I couldn't understand what I possibly could have done wrong. Did I admit too much to him? Was I too vulnerable? had i scared him off and ruined everything? I began to feel a tremendous amount of self-loathing, and feeling guilty for opening up to him.(although he'd pressured me to do so.) I felt like I'd made a total fool out of myself, and regretted sharing so much It took me a long time to accept the fact that he had played me like a harp, as so many young men do. He know how much I adored him, and used this to his advantage. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and sat back in contentment stroking his ego, abusing my pure intentions.
Rejection was a very hard pill for me to swallow.I was not prepared for how things had so unexpectedly and tragically ended. In a matter of one week, all my hopes and dreams came crashing to the ground. I had soared into the clouds of all his flattering compliments, and now I was on the ground. Every single one of the things he said was a lie. a ploy to work my emotions up. Over the next few weeks, I would spent hours crying my eyes out, not able to eat or sleep. begging, asking god what I had done wrong, and why this guy I thought was the "one" refused to speak to me. The fact of the matter was I hadn't done anything wrong. I had had the purest intentions towards this boy from the beginning. I had fallen in love with him, in spite of all his flaws, imperfections, and damaged persona. I had laid myself bare and been open and accepting of him. I had tried to be his friend and be there for him, even when he was giving me nothing in return.even when he purposely ignored me, in order to protect himself. But as is the case for so many people, he abused it. He took everything I bravely gave to him, and treated it like it was nothing. I remember vividly calling my best friend early in the morning, after staying up the whole night weeping my broken heart out. And I can't thank her enough for how she was there for me. She told me I deserved so much better than how I was being treated, and that I shouldn't let this boy ruin my life. She told me I was valued, accepted and beautiful in God's eyes, even if this man didn't see my worth.She told me that there was a good guy out for me out there, even though this clearly wasn't meant to be.
She assured me God would lead me to this man in his timing. Even though she lived 10 hours away, she was an anchor, when I needed her most. a sweet, compassionate friend and support system for me, during one of the hardest times of my life. She prayed for me and loved me, even when I felt like a hopeless catastrophe and a mess. As awful as the experience of heartbreak is, it has served to teach me so many things. Over the next five months, I would grow in ways that were not possible without the grief I'd experienced. I would write poems and song lyrics for the first time, after an agonizing year of writers block. I would grow closer to God, because I would learn to rely on him when he was all I had. Now, months later, I realize, he never left me. During the lonely, dark ,cold nights when my heart was caught in my throat, he was there. he was whispering that he loved me and was proud of how I courageously and bravely I'd loved this man. telling me that he knew how much it hurt. but that he was always there if i needed to talk. or cry. my heartbreak ultimately deepened my relationship with god. I found him in new and life-changing ways. For this reason, I'm so grateful he allowed me to be hurt by this guy. I'm so thankful I had my heart broken.I had a epiphany: I realized that no one understands better than God what heartbreak is like. In the same way that I was pouring myself into Ryan, he pours himself into us all the time. He loves us, even when we scorn, reject, or abuse his love. He asks nothing in return. He loves us at our best and at our messiest, when we've hit rock bottom. He never gives up.
As time passed, I found the courage to eventually move on, and to let go of everything I had hoped to have with this guy. There were many days after that where I felt zero motivation to do the most basic things. I really felt that all hope was once again, lost.
People began showing up though, as I mentioned before and I found so many good friends. I forced myself to keep as busy as I possibly could with work and holiday preparations. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and went with a friend from work to her youth group. It was a very scary thing for me to do, as I didn't know anyone there. I also had been drifting from God for years, and felt I'd be uncomfortable in a church setting. I ended up leaving feeling very uplifted and at peace. Later I shared with Julia what I was going through, and I found another sweet friend in her.
She prayed for me, and encouraged me to trust God with whatever would happen.
I clung to these brief interactions with people, to strengthen me when I felt I had nothing left to hold on to. God shone through so many beautiful souls, like a light begging me to not give up.
This was all now almost a year ago, and as I write this, i can't keep the smile from my face.not because everything is now perfect, by any means. It certainly is not. I still struggle with depression and anxiety all the time. I still wake up some mornings, and feel so discouraged with life I don't want to get out of bed to face the day. But I am so much healthier and so much more connected and in love with life than I was back then. I've been seeing a therapist now for almost eight months, and there has definitely been a transformation. I never thought I'd be able to open up to someone I hardly knew at the time, and tell them my life story. but it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I resisted it for months before I finally felt like God was telling me to go see this lady, who is now one of my closest confidantes.
I believe everyone should have someone to share their heart, openly and honestly with it. someone to be raw, vulnerable, even when the truth is often ugly or embarrassing. It has been a way for me to come clean, to step out of my comfort zone and heal my wounds. I've been going to that college youth group for almost eight months now, and have connected with so many beautiful Jesus- loving people my age. I've realized I'm not alone in my pain, and there is so many people who have gone through similar things. But, together, we are all united . because each week we come together and worship our creator, who can take our broken pieces and make something beautiful out of them. he can use them for his glory.
I've been writing a book, since January of this year, about a Jewish girl who survives the holocaust. I truly believe God put the idea of this book in my heart, at the perfect timing. Writing it has taught me so many things about myself and people in the process. It's been a comfort to me on lonely days, and helped me to express myself through it's pages. As a writer, pouring myself into this novel has been one of the most fulfilling, rewarding experiences of my life. And I'm only just getting started;)
what I've gone through has also helped me finally discover my true calling in life, to study psychology at college and work as a mental health counselor some day. I want to be able to help people who are going through the same stuff as me, or maybe things far worse than what I've experienced. I want to be able to walk them through it, and hold their hand. I don't think I could pursue such a career, if my whole life thus far had been easy and pain- free. How could I be emphatic and listen and really understand? how could I have a clue what they are going through, if I've never been in their shoes myself? For reasons, like these, I once again say. thank god i cried and ached. thank god he let me be hurt. thank god I was rejected.
to clarify this point a little better, I want to tell you a little about a lady I met at work. This woman was in her early to late 40s, and just about the sweetest person you'd ever meet. She was kind, positive, understanding, and always and I mean Always had a smile on her face. Every time I walked into work sad or discouraged, she was there. Ever optimistic and waiting to greet everyone and full of laughter and light-heartedness. initially, I remember thinking, "How is this girl always like this? I don't understand how she can always be so joyful, no matter what."
As it turns out, later she ended up opening up to me and revealing just how difficult her life had been. She'd gotten pregnant at an early age, while still in high school, and basically had to raise her son on her own. She worked tremendously hard her whole life, as a single mom, and for a large period of time, been physically abused and beaten by an alcoholic husband. But you would never think to look at this cheery, giggling creature, that she had any resentment or hatred towards him what so ever. In fact, she told me at one point, "if I ran into my ex today, I would actually thank him for what he did to me. it's made me a better person." I was shocked by this confession, but I thought about it in more detail later on.
I continued to be blown away by what she had told me. To be honest, it made me feel a little guilty. here is this poor woman, who suffered a lot during her life, and has been through way more than I ever was. But has she ever played the martyr? has she ever once complained to anyone, or felt sorry for herself?
No, here she is at 40, juggling a job and going to college- full time to pursue a sociology degree at Akron U. She told me of her desire to be able to provide for her aging mother, and buy her a nice apartment. Because of this, she worked hard at her studies and at work, and did everything she could to make her mom's life comfortable and to raise a good, hard-working son on her own. She wakes up every day and chooses to love everyone, even the people who don't deserve it. I thought to myself, "man, after all the years of abuse and pain, here this woman is, standing tall ,stronger and braver than before. She's building a life and a future for herself, and not letting her past stand in the way of her happiness. if she can do it, then I can certainly can too. I can pick up the broken pieces and with God's help, I can make something of myself and my life."
It is encounters like the one I had with Charity that renew my faith in humanity and God.
It hasn't been easy, but I'm slowly beginning to see why my life has been the way it is. I'm stronger, braver, and more confident than ever before, because with his help I've been able to overcome a lot in my life. He has shown me through so many people, that he isn't finished with me and how good he really is.
To end this post, I want to share some of the songs that helped me through the past dark, difficult four years of my life. and also some quotes from people I look up to that have sustained and given me hope. not all of these songs necessarily have happy endings, but they are very comforting for anyone who is going through a hard time. All these people have been through hell, but have allowed their pain to mold them into a better, stronger person. Instead of growing bitter and resentful, they've chosen to become kinder,more compassionate and loving. human beings. I hope you are as encouraged/strengthened by these songs/quotes as much as I was:) Whatever you're going through right now,, I pray you would find peace. I pray you would know how much God loves you, and that there is no pit of suffering so deep that his love is not deeper still.
