my journey to embracing jesus

Every since I started attending Campus Focus a year and a half ago, one of my favorite parts of the night was the worship. There's just something so incredible and so powerful about it and it gets me every time. Given, when I first began attending this college church group, I was probably the farthest I've been from God in my entire life. I was heartbroken, angry, and confused about life and Christianity, and searching for purpose and meaning. I felt abandoned by God, like he didn't care about me or my sufferings at all. I'll admit this was the first time I had attended church in over six years, and it felt very awkward and uncomfortable at first for me. I felt out of place alongside all these people singing their hands out, eyes closed and hands raised to a God I wasn't even sure cared about me or existed anymore. Fast forward a few weeks, to Breakaway 2018. I had literally attended one church service and had somehow managed to scrape by the money to go on their winter break church retreat to Jupiter, Florida.  I knew next to no one, and for the next week would be spending a entire week with over 200 strangers. For a self-confessed introvert who also struggles with self-confidence (and an often paralyzing fear of trying new things), this was a huge, tremendous step for me, a leap of faith well beyond my comfort zone.

But the next week would prove to be one of the most life-changing and best seven days of my life. How do you go from running at lighting speed away from God, abandoning anything remotely associated with him... to fully and completely embracing him and his love and everything he stands for. How do you go from sitting atop a mountain of pride to kneeling on hands and knees, humbled and in adoration of him? For me it was a combination of surrender and  longing.. for rest, for peace, for answers in the midst of all my pain, emotional trauma, and heartbreak. I was so tired, emotionally and physically, after probably the hardest and darkest three years of my life. Breakaway felt like someone opened the door after I'd been trapped in a dark room full of smoke, suffocating, and a flood of light and air came pouring in. I lost myself in the infinite beauty and complexity of who God is.. I opened my heart, mind, and soul to the possibility that maybe he had not abandoned me.. maybe he had things he wanted to tell me and truths he wanted to reveal to me, and I simply needed to submit to his guidance. It had started with going to church.. stepping outside my comfort zone to sit in a chapel full of people I didn't know. Now he had asked me to trust him that what seemed like the most terrifying thing in the world could actually become  the most awesome thing, if I let it. Not I'm so thankful he led me to Campus Focus and the people.. he knew what was good for me and what I needed then so well.
Over my time spent in the camp, I spent four incredible hours with God in complete isolation and silence, without any outside distractions. I know this sounds absolutely awful to some people,( a.k.a. extroverts or people who always love to be around people) don't get me wrong, I love to be around people too but allow me to enlighten you and tell you isolation is  actually the most wonderful type of therapy in the world. This is my second year in a row at Breakaway, and both years have left me completely blown away at the power of "solitude time" as we call it. The camp is situated  in a  ideal place that makes room for such things; you can wander off on an adventure to spend time with god, to the docks, through the woods, or find solitude beneath a shady tree in your hammock or on your picnic blanket. It's amazing what the combination of praying, studying the bible, listening to sermons, and spending time with people who were actively pursuing God did for me.
The people in my small group were so welcoming and kind; while initially I was petrified of sharing my thoughts each night after the service, I would gradually grow more comfortable and begin to open up so much more. I found the place I was at in my life left me much more vulnerable, which I learned was not a bad thing. While I had tended for so long to shut down my heart and my feelings, to hide away from relationships and intimacy, I was now trying to once again, wear my heart on my sleeve and grow close to the  people God had put in my small group. It's really amazing how close you can grow to someone, even in the tiny time slot of seven days. Someone can go from being a complete stranger who you're afraid is judging you for your goofy mannerisms or habits... to your new best friend and that's one of the most beautiful things about this trip.By the time we were headed home, back to wintry, snow-blown Ohio and our normal lives.. I just wanted to give each one of the girls and guys in my group a big hug and be like , " I'm going through a really rough time right now, but I've realized I'm not alone in the struggle. You guys don't have it all together either.. and that's ok. none of us have to keep it together all the time. 
This is a safe and sacred space, where we are free to talk to each other.. to pray, cry, and maybe it even gets a little heavy, but we can hold each other up and share the burden. you showed me Jesus's unconditional love in this meaningful moments we've shared.. at the time I needed it most. so thank you." there were miracles being wrought now not only in my life in that incredibly intense week, but in so many others. God was breaking down the walls people had built up in their hearts and he was breathing  and moving.. through the quiet, peaceful atmosphere of the beach as we took time to revive and refresh ourselves.. as we pulled away from the multiple, endless distractions of modern-day life.. from the pressures, responsibility and often exhausting and tedious routines of work and college back at home... as we sought his face whole-heatedly, one- one- one.. on a dock in the middle of a lake in the woods, head bowed and heart open to his words. 
He was moving in the honest tears that fell when the full extent of his love hit us head on.. by Sunday, we were completely blown away and in awe... I for one felt the full impact of the transformation that had taken place in me. It was as if God had given me a long, warm hug, pulled me in in spite of all my pride, stubbornness, and rejection of him, and offered me healing for the wounds of my heartbreak. His love had been shown in the faces and actions of the people I met.. in the atmosphere of hope and joy that I was surrounded by on all sides.. and most of all in the worship. There is a level of closeness and intimacy with God that can only be felt on a trip.. in a place like this. And let me tell you it is simply indescribable. there is such a world of difference between merely showing up to church and lifelessly reciting the songs  you've learned.. and breathing and feeling every single word.. engaged in a passionate love affair with God. Sometimes you are so overwhelmed by how real his presence is you want to get on your knees, face to the ground, suddenly aware of just how small and insignificant compared to him.. the creator of the universe, of all the beauty that yo use around you. You realize how merciful and incredibly good and full of grace he is, inspite of how wretched and selfish and flawed you are. 
He knew you would run from him, he knew you would reject him, he knew you would doubt and deny and defy his love.. but he came for you anyway, in human form, fully giving of himself in a sacrificial act of denial. and after all that running, you realize just how exhausted you are and how you just cant resist him anymore. Instead of running away from him, thinking you're better off on your own, you instead run with all your might, tears running down your face, right into his compassionate all- forgiving, all knowing arms. It doesn't matter what you've done or said before; because the first step toward redemption is acceptance of him and what he was done for you, an acknowledgement of his grace and holiness, a realization of how undeserving you are.. but a willingness to listen to him and to offer what you have to him. At least this is where I find myself now, after a year and a half of him drawing me in.. and teaching me more and more about who he is. For me my favorite act of service to him has often been through worship.. it simply feels like the most natural thing in the world.  I've been thinking about it lately and I've realized..that's probably because worshiping god is what we were meant to do. 
God has revealed so many things to me while worshiping, convicted me about my unbelief and doubt, calmed my anxiety and silenced my fears all through the all powerful outlet of music. When I'm worshiping, I am oblivious to basically everyone around me. I am completely focused on Jesus and giving him glory and praise.. I feel more at ease and comfortable with who I am when I'm worshiping. I'm free to be myself in that moment, who he made be to be- to sing, cry, dance, raise my hands- whatever I feel called to do. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, because I am intent on his face, remembering everything that he has done for me and how far he has carried me.

It has never failed to amaze me how much can be accomplished in the course of one CF session. While before you entered, you might have been feeling anxious, depressed, discouraged, overwhelmed, or stressed- you emerge renewed, rejuvenated, and with the most blissful and holy sense of peace. Flash forward a year and a half after my first Breakway trip and I was in my first semester of college. It was the week before finals and along with many other students, I was starting to worry about all the mounting assignments and upcoming exams I had to prepare for. I contemplated skipping church that evening, in the pursuit of studying and working on my homework. Instead, I pushed myself to still go and boy.. again what a transformation. I know it sounds terrible, but that day I had looked at church as a waste of time that day, and thought I'd be better off at home, working. I discovered as I had many times before, that church was adding something to my life, not taking away. All it took was 45 minutes spent in Jesus's presence, praising him with a room full of students just like me.. and suddenly all my fears and anxiety had seemingly vanished. I could swear I emerged from that room a drastically different person. It was felt, literally and figuratively as if a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders.. God had reached out, and lovingly but reprovingly said, "be still. it's ok to breathe here. You can take a break. Let me refresh your soul. Set your eyes on me, and I will renew your strength." and that's exactly what I did. There's a wonderful quote from author Ann Voskamp that I absolutely love and I think it completely embodies what I'm saying : " The answer to much anxiety is to exult Christ." I realize this is a very simply quote, but I really feel  that she summarizes it perfectly. God has taught me again and again that the answer to my recurring anxiety and depression is to praise him.. worship is freeing, quite possibly one of the most freeing things in the world. It's a declaration of love and respect and honor to God, a love song to him telling of how great he is and all he has done. There has been so many times where I thought my panic attacks were going to be the death of me. but I  just mean I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what else to do..  I'd be sitting in my car driving home from work while this intense pain set on my chest and I felt certain I had to be having a heart attack. as painful as they got, I began to learn to rely on the Lord more and more, and in the midst of this, the level of intimacy I acquired could only be described as sweet..to be allowed to draw near to him in the midst of it. For the longest time, I was actually angry at God. I felt my  anxiety was a sort of curse, because it sometimes made it so hard for me to function at work and school. But gradually as time went on I learned to actually be grateful for it.. because it brought me closer to him. 

Because to put it frankly.. I am still broken. I am still struggling each and every day.. and continually  being convicted for my persistent need for him. There are still days where I'm crippled by my anxiety.. or where I grow sad and feel defeated..  like I'm drowning. days where I lack the strength to keep pushing through this complicated and imperfect mess that is life. I am the woman caught in adultery, condemned to death by her accusers.. kneeling in the dust, awaiting her fate. I am Mary Magdalene, possessed by seven demons and in desperate  need of Jesus's freedom and light.  In my darkness moments, I'm exposed, helpless, dirty, but also humbled. my tears seem endless like they will never stop. I feel abandoned and alone, unworthy, and hopelessness is an ocean at times.  I'm  exhausted.  I can't go on any further  and the future has never looked bleaker. I'm just a little human.. fallible and faltering.. I need to be saved.. from myself and the wickedness of my prideful, sinful heart. And yet.. he a holy king and the author of the universe.. does not condemn me, he does not judge, or correct or lecture. His face bears no resemblance of the disappointment or anger that I might expect. He is tender. He is kind. He lifts my tear- stained face, cupping my chin gently and offers me the comfort of his embrace. He is a safe harbor, a hiding place. He is light gradually breaking through the tunnel of my fears and then flooding into my heart like a tidal wave. He overwhelms me with the force of his love...to the point of tears.. to the point where my heart is caught in my throat. I can't find the words to speak what I'm experiencing then.Finally I simply can not resist him any longer and it's no longer just him running towards me but me running towards him. Because now I want more... I want to grow in him.. beyond what he has revealed in the beauty of his mercy. I crave him as my oxygen, my provider, my sustain-er, my deliver, and my savior, the author of all good things. I want to bring him glory for all he has done, for all he continues to do  and all he will do. 
I want to encourage you that wherever you might be going through in your life, Jesus is there with you, even if you can't feel him. I don't want to sound preachy or authoritative, because I am still very immature in my walk with Christ. But I do know that he loves each and every one of us, and he meets us exactly where we are. You don't have to have it all together, you could approach him just as you are.. bleeding, broken, lonely or sad. His arms are always open wide with acceptance and perfect, unconditional  love. He will carry you when you can't walk any more, that I can assure you. His strength is made perfect in weakness and he longs for you to come to him.. he offers you everlasting love and peace and joy. He doesn't promise that you won't still struggle in this life, but he does promise to be with you always. I can assure, even as new as I am to walking with him, that a relationship with him is one of the greatest things ever. You will always have a friend to turn to because he will never abandon you. 

These are just some of the verses that I felt God speak to me in my struggles and that I found to be encouraging
13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.[b] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14
“How can it be? When we're naked and ashamed and alone in our brokenness, Christ envelops us with His intimate grace. When we're rejected and abandoned and feel beyond wanting, Jesus cups our face: "Come close, my Beloved." When we're dirty and tear-stained and despairing, Jesus Christ is attracted to us and proposes undying love: "All that you're carrying I take... and all that I am is yours." How do you ever get over that?” 
― Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way: A Daring Path into the Abundant Life
12 It is necessary to go on boasting. Though it is not profitable, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago (whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows) was caught up to the third heaven. 3 And I know that this man (whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, God knows) 4 was caught up into paradise and heard things too sacred to be put into words, things that a person is not permitted to speak. 5 On behalf of such an individual I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except about my weaknesses. 6 For even if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I would be telling the truth, but I refrain from this so that no one may regard me beyond what he sees in me or what he hears from me, 7 even because of the extraordinary character of the revelations. Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me—so that I would not become arrogant. 8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."

my journey from heartbreak to healing

July 26th, 2018- 

Hopefully the title of this post does not imply that I am trying to be someone's therapist, or mental health expert. I'm definitely far too young and inexperienced with life, to make any such ludicrous claim. But I simply wanted to share today some thoughts I've been having lately, mainly on heartbreak and the impact it leaves on us. Now, I completely realize that there is countless ways people can have their heart broken.I know I'm only 19, and haven't been alive long enough to know everything about it. It can happen because of a bad breakup, a unexpected death of a loved one, a sacred promise broken when someone deliberately or intentionally hurts you. I understand I'm only citing a few of the scenarios, in which the tragedy of heartbreak occurs.

But, even from my brief comprehension on the topic, I think we can all agree that, to put it frankly, heartbreak... sucks. It's like one moment everything could be completely fine, and the next moment, our whole world is turned completely upside down. We feel like we're drowning in our tears, and there is a invisible shroud of hopelessness hanging over us. Threatening to suffocate or choke us in it's powerful grasp, stifling our cries of protest or pain. At least, this is how it felt for me. Once again, I don't want anyone to think I'm writing about this, like I'm pretending to be everyone's psychologist. Or that I'm doing it to make people feel sorry, or evoke pity for me.

I just want to be vulnerable, and get a lot of thoughts onto paper, after a long time of processing what's happened in the past nine months of my life. I'm hoping I can encourage people who are suffering right now, that there is hope and beauty in your pain, even though it doesn't seem like it.

I'd be lying if I said that the past few years of my life have been easy, by any means. I've been going through a lot of personal stuff since I turned 15, and made plenty of mistakes and bad decisions. I honestly think that trying/failing are inevitable parts of growing up. Nobody is perfect, and nobody always makes the right choice. we are all human. we are all flawed. but I definitely felt like the 16th year of my life was once of the hardest, most painful years ever. There is so many things going on, when you're that young, so many aspects of the world you're trying to process and explore.
Being on the cusp of adulthood, you are beginning to start envisioning your future and what it might hold for you. You are beginning to think for yourself, and develop your own opinions/ viewpoints.
I definitely had as many up and downs as every budding teenager does. I went through a painful period of questioning who I was and what my purpose in life was. I was an introvert, and very shy and lonely because I didn't have a lot of friends. I felt like a total outcast, and struggled to fit in with people my age/ I was also, to be honest, in a bit of a rebellious phase, something that a lot of teenagers go through at some point.

However, these issues would slowly begin to resolve themselves, because of a number of different factors.Those were painful years, don't get me wrong. But It was during my 17th and 18th years, that I really felt like life grew very dark and cold. I began to struggle with crippling depression, anxiety, and self- deprecating thoughts about myself. I began to worry tremendously about the future, and what it might hold for me. I felt abandoned by God, after the past couple years of so much pain and hurt. There had been a lot of family problems, and my parents were very unsure about what God wanted for our family's future. It wasn't easy trying to find myself, when everyone around me was as equally unhappy as I was. In spite of everything going on though, I still maintained at least a flicker of hope that it would work out. I thought to myself, "God has got to give me and family a break. We've already been through so much the past couple years."

Such was not the case. I feel like 2017 was really when I completely and utterly hit rock bottom. I was more depressed than I had ever been in my whole life, through any of the rough seasons of the past few years. I didn't care about anything anymore, literally. My depression and passively suicidal behavior reached it's peak halfway through the year.  I stopped caring. I stopped trying. I didn't put any effort into the way I looked, or try to take care of my body or emotional/physical health. I would go days without eating or sleeping, unfazed. I would forcibly make myself bleed on purpose, because it was the only time I could feel anything. I felt trapped inside this person I didn't know anymore. I was a ghost, stuck inside a hollow shell, screaming to be let out. The best metaphor I can think of is this; imagine yourself standing in front of a glass wall, staring through it. On the other side, you can see the real you. The happy, smiling, full of life human being that breathes, loves, dances, and connects with God and people. But you're stuck behind this wall, and you can't shatter the glass to break free.

I would look in the mirror every day, and hate myself. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't even cry about it anymore, like I used to be able to. I was numb from shock. The only way I knew how to block out all the stuff that was going on was to shut down completely. My heart grew cold and hard as stone. I was incapable of experiencing emotional pain or joy.I was not affectionate towards my family and friends. I would hide in my room because I was ashamed of myself and didn't understand what was going on.  On one occasion, I distinctly remember opening the door to a friend of ours. She was visibly upset, and crying and I just didn't know what to do. The real me would have felt sorry for her, and tried to comfort her. But instead I just stood there, with a blank expression, stunned. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. I was indifferent and passive, because nothing mattered any more.  I had shut down my heart and emotions about my life, because I had to protect myself. I would not be hurt again ,as I'd been hurt in the past. I locked my heart completely away, out of reach from anyone. i was terrified of closeness or intimacy with anyone. god forbid I should let anyone in, past the facade of the brave, emotionless person I was. My past and my future were dim and foggy. I completely lost the will to live anymore. I felt certain there was no longer any hope for me.  
I couldn't have been more wrong. Towards the end of the year, I had begun to recover a little bit. With the help of my family and some friends I'd met through work, I began to finally open up about what I'd been going through. It wasn't easy. I was terrified of what they would think of me, when they knew what had been going on in my head.

To my great surprise, so many people showed up during that awful, but life-altering time period in my life. People I had known for years, but hadn't seen in forever. people from work. people I'd been friends with for a long time. some of them happened to be going through very similar stuff, at the same place in their life. They all showed up in so many different, uniquely amazing ways. some of them made my laugh and took my mind off my troubles. others offered sage, comforting advice to ease my pain. still others would send me encouraging notes or songs to help me. If I hadn't gone through what I have, I never would have been able to fully appreciate the awesome people I was surrounded with. It was also during this time that I reconnected with a guy I'd known from work almost a year earlier. I had been a young, naive, and rather gullible `17 year old girl, I'm not afraid to admit. To make a long story short, I'd fallen madly in love with him. After four months, I'd gotten immensely attached and even given him a hand-made cd with songs I thought would encourage him.  .I was devastated when he got a different job. I realize this sounds ridiculous to a lot of you, but back then, in my 17 year old brain, I thought it was the end of the world. I'd gotten my hopes up, anticipating that we would have a special relationship beyond the friendship we developed over those months. I didn't want to get out of bed for weeks afterwards, i was so depressed and devastated. I thought of all the rest and peace he'd brought to my weary love- starved, heart, simply by existing. I would walk into work after a hard day, ready to cry .and then I would see him, and he would make my laugh or smile. he was sweet and tender even on my worst days. he gave me hope to put it simply. and now it was all gone. I thought we could have a future together. but as it turns out, he wasn't meant to play a permanent role in my destiny. I didn't see him again for a very long time, and was forced to forget about him entirely, when I moved far from where he even lived. but we ran into each other months later, and I gave him my phone number. I put myself out there in a big way, telling him he could talk to me whenever he was sad or needed a friend.

I didn't think anything of it, or really expect anything to happen. he messaged me on his own accord, and started to initiate discussions. But we ended up having some very intimate, private conversations, sharing everything about our life and past to each other. He even sent me some very personal, dark songs he had written. I had longed to read something he wrote, ever since I'd realized we had a love of writing in common.(among other things). I could not believe, after so many months of loneliness and despair, here I was. having one-on-one phone conversations with this wonderful boy, who I thought at the time was the "man of my dreams". I had thought that part of my life was over, and I would never see him again. But a hope was rekindled in me, that he could be the guy I'd always wanted and fulfill my longing for love and intimacy.

 He eventually manipulated me into admitting I had romantic feelings for him. I resisted at first, refusing to open up because I didn't want our friendship ruined. Eventually, I summed up all the courage I could muster. I lay my heart completely bare for him. I told him, how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. I told him I  knew about his depression, suicidal past, and the other dark aspects he thought I found undesirable. He insisted that he could never be good enough for someone like me, but I told him I loved him just the way he was. I really thought that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship, and some relief in my loneliness and pain. Once again, God had a different plan in mind. For a short period of time, my short-lived relationship with Ryan eased the pain of my depression, anxiety, and uncertainty about the future. He told me he wanted to make my happy, and that I could talk to him anytime I wanted to. He gave me every indication a girl could ask for that he wanted to have a special relationship with me. 

Then, suddenly, after days of conversation, he stopped talking to me all together. This was completely out of the blue and uncalled for. i felt like we had finally reached a turning point, culminating in my confession of love. I couldn't understand what I possibly could have done wrong. Did I admit too much to him? Was I too vulnerable? had i scared him off and ruined everything? I began to feel a tremendous amount of self-loathing, and feeling guilty for opening up to him.(although he'd pressured me to do so.) I felt like I'd made a total fool out of myself, and regretted sharing so much  It took me a long time to accept the fact that he had played me like a harp, as so many young men do. He know how much I adored him, and used this to his advantage. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and sat back in contentment stroking his ego, abusing my pure intentions.



Rejection was a very hard pill for me to swallow.I was not prepared for how things had so unexpectedly and tragically ended. In a matter of one week, all my hopes and dreams came crashing to the ground. I had soared into the clouds of all his flattering compliments, and now I was on the ground. Every single one of the things he said was a lie. a ploy to work my emotions up. Over the next few weeks, I would spent hours crying my eyes out, not able to eat or sleep. begging, asking god what I had done wrong, and why this guy I thought was the "one" refused to speak to me. The fact of the matter was I hadn't done anything wrong. I had had the purest intentions towards this boy from the beginning. I had fallen in love with him, in spite of all his flaws, imperfections, and damaged persona. I had laid myself bare and been open and accepting of him. I had tried to be his friend and be there for him, even when he was giving me nothing in return.even when he purposely ignored me, in order to protect himself. But as is the case for so many people, he abused it. He took everything I bravely gave to him, and treated it like it was nothing. I remember vividly calling my best friend early in the morning, after staying up the whole night weeping my broken heart out. And I can't thank her enough for how she was there for me. She told me I deserved so much better than how I was being treated, and that I shouldn't let this  boy ruin my life. She told me I was valued, accepted and beautiful in God's eyes, even if this man didn't see my worth.She told me that there was a good guy out for me out there, even though this clearly wasn't meant to be.

 She assured me God would lead me to this man in his timing. Even though she lived 10 hours away, she was an anchor, when I needed her most. a sweet, compassionate friend and support system for me, during one of the hardest times of my life. She prayed for me and loved me, even when I felt like a hopeless catastrophe and a mess. As awful as the experience of heartbreak is, it has served to teach me so many things. Over the next five months, I would grow in ways that were not possible without the grief I'd experienced. I would write poems and song lyrics for the first time, after an agonizing year of writers block. I would grow closer to God, because I would learn to rely on him when he was all I had. Now, months later, I realize, he never left me. During the lonely, dark ,cold nights when my heart was caught in my throat, he was there. he was whispering that he loved me and was proud of how I courageously and bravely I'd loved this man. telling me that he knew how much it hurt. but that he was always there if i needed to talk. or cry. my heartbreak ultimately deepened my relationship with god. I found him in new and life-changing ways. For this reason, I'm so grateful he allowed me to be hurt by this guy. I'm so thankful I had my heart broken.I had a epiphany: I realized that no one understands better than God what heartbreak is like. In the same way that I was pouring myself into Ryan, he pours himself into us all the time. He loves us, even when we scorn, reject, or abuse his love. He asks nothing in return. He loves us at our best and at our messiest, when we've hit rock bottom. He never gives up. 

As time passed, I found the courage to eventually move on, and to let go of everything I had hoped to have with this guy. There were many days after that where I felt zero motivation to do the most basic things. I really felt that all hope was once again, lost. 
People began showing up though, as I mentioned before and I found so many good friends. I forced myself to keep as busy as I possibly could with work and holiday preparations. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and went with a friend from work to her youth group. It was a very scary thing for me to do, as I didn't know anyone there. I also had been drifting from God for years, and felt I'd be uncomfortable in a church setting. I ended up leaving feeling very uplifted and at peace. Later I shared with Julia what I was going through, and I found another sweet friend in her. 
She prayed for me, and encouraged me to trust God with whatever would happen.
I clung to these brief interactions with people, to strengthen me when I felt I had nothing left to hold on to. God shone through so many beautiful souls, like a light begging me to not give up.

This was all now almost a year ago, and as I write this, i can't keep the smile from my face.not because everything is now perfect, by any means. It certainly is not. I still struggle with depression and anxiety  all the time. I still wake up some mornings, and feel so discouraged with life I don't want to get out of bed to face the day. But I am so much healthier and so much more connected and in love with life than I was back then. I've been seeing a therapist now for almost eight months, and there has definitely been a transformation. I never thought I'd be able to open up to someone I hardly knew at the time, and tell them my life story. but it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I resisted it for months before I finally felt like God was telling me to go see this lady, who is now one of my closest confidantes.
  I believe everyone should have someone to share their heart, openly and honestly with it. someone to be raw, vulnerable, even when the truth is often ugly or embarrassing. It has been a way for me to come clean, to step out of my comfort zone and heal my wounds. I've been going to that college youth group for almost eight months now, and have connected with so many beautiful Jesus- loving people my age. I've realized I'm not alone in my pain, and there is so many people who have gone through similar things. But, together, we are all united . because each week we come together and worship our creator, who can take our broken pieces and make something beautiful out of them. he can use them for his glory.

I've been writing a book, since January of this year, about a Jewish girl who survives the holocaust. I truly believe God put the idea of this book in my heart, at the perfect timing. Writing it has taught me so many things about myself and people in the process. It's been a comfort to me on lonely days, and helped me to express myself through it's pages. As a writer, pouring myself into this novel has been one of the most fulfilling, rewarding experiences of my life. And I'm only just getting started;) 

what I've gone through has also helped me finally discover my true calling in life, to study psychology at college and work as a mental health counselor some day. I want to be able to help people who are going through the same stuff as me, or maybe things far worse than what I've experienced. I want to be able to walk them through it, and hold their hand. I don't think I could pursue such a career, if my whole life thus far had been easy and pain- free. How could I be emphatic and listen and really understand? how could I have a clue what they are going through, if I've never been in their shoes myself? For reasons, like these, I once again say. thank god i cried and ached. thank god he let me be hurt. thank god I was rejected. 

to clarify this point a little better, I want to tell you a little about a lady I met at work. This woman was in her early to late 40s, and just about the sweetest person you'd ever meet. She was kind, positive, understanding, and always and I mean Always had a smile on her face. Every time I walked into work sad or discouraged, she was there. Ever optimistic and waiting to greet everyone and full of laughter and light-heartedness. initially, I remember thinking, "How is this girl always like this? I don't understand how she can always be so joyful, no matter what."
As it turns out, later she ended up opening up to me and revealing just how difficult her life had been. She'd gotten pregnant at an early age, while still in high school, and basically had to raise her son on her own. She worked tremendously hard her whole life, as a single mom, and for a large period of time, been physically abused and beaten by an alcoholic husband. But you would never think to look at this cheery, giggling creature, that she had any resentment or hatred towards him what so ever. In fact, she told me at one point, "if I ran into my ex today, I would actually thank him for what he did to me. it's made me a better person." I was shocked by this confession, but I thought about it in more detail later on.
I continued to be blown away by what she had told me. To be honest, it made me feel a little guilty. here is this poor woman, who suffered a lot during her life, and has been through way more than I ever was. But has she ever played the martyr? has she ever once complained to anyone, or felt sorry for herself?

No, here she is at 40, juggling a job and going to college- full time to pursue a sociology degree at Akron U. She told me of her desire to be able to provide for  her aging mother, and buy her a nice apartment. Because of this, she worked hard at her studies and at work, and did everything she could to make her mom's life comfortable and to raise a good, hard-working son on her own. She wakes up every day and chooses to love everyone, even the people who don't deserve it.  I thought to myself, "man, after all the years of abuse and pain, here this woman is, standing tall ,stronger and braver than before. She's building a life and a future for herself, and not letting her past stand in the way of her happiness. if she can do it, then I can certainly can too. I can pick up the broken pieces and with God's help, I can make something of myself and my life."

It is encounters like the one I had with Charity that renew my faith in humanity and God.
 It hasn't been easy, but I'm slowly beginning to see why my life has been the way it is. I'm stronger, braver, and more confident than ever before, because with his help I've been able to overcome a lot in my life. He has shown me through so many people, that he isn't finished with me and how good he really is.


To end this post, I want to share some of the songs that helped me through the past dark, difficult four years of my life. and also some quotes from people I look up to that have sustained and given me hope. not all of these songs necessarily have happy endings, but they are very comforting for anyone who is going through a hard time. All these people have been through hell, but have allowed their pain to mold them into a better, stronger person. Instead of growing bitter and resentful, they've chosen to become kinder,more compassionate and loving. human beings. I hope you are as encouraged/strengthened by these songs/quotes as much as I was:) Whatever you're going through right now,, I pray you would find peace. I pray you would know how much God loves you, and that there is no pit of suffering so deep that his love is not deeper still.

Characters in Never Broken: A Memoir

Main Characters:

Nora Elise Caplan: 
a 19 year old girl, the 2nd oldest of 4 sisters, a seamstress growing up in
Holland, in 1944. She is the most sensible and practical of the sisters, and is very protective of her younger sisters, and very loyal and giving 

Hendrick Irvin Bruan "Henry" : A 24 year old S.S. Guard who saves Nora and Annaliese's life.

Franz- an S.S. guard who is very cruel to Nora, Annaliese, and most of the prisoners in general. He is 22, but because of his harsh, strict demeanor often looks way older. 
Annaliese: Nora's 16 year old sister, the youngest of her sisters. She is bright, cheery, and energetic

Katrien Anne Caplan: Nora's younger 18 year old sister, who has just graduated high school. She has ambitions to become an actress. Kate is usually very quiet and reserved, but has a sweet, compassionate temperament. 

Tessa Elizabeth Caplan: Nora's older 23 year old sister, a nurse engaged to marry Benjamin Van Pallen. She is a very muture, reliable woman, who Nora often asks for advice. 

Lottie Van Palen- Nora's mother's close friend and Tessa's mother-in-law. She tries to look out for Nora at Auschwitz, and be a motherly figure to her and Annaliese when they're separated from their family.

Adela Bruan- Henry's mother, a loving, tender older woman who quickly grows fond of Nora. She resents her country, once the holocaust begins and she is sympathetic towards Jewish people, trying to do whatever she can to help them, even if it means risking her own life in the process.

Tessa Anne- Nora's granddaughter who finds her World War II diary and jewish necklace in the attic of her grandmother's home

Lana- Tessa's mother and Nora's oldest daughter
Edward- Tessa's younger brother 

Kate- Nora's younger daughter, an actress and singer on broadway
Emilia- kate's baby daughter
Noah- Kate's husband of 4 years, also a Broadway actor

Henry Jr.- Nora's oldest child and son, a salesman
Amalie- Henry's wife
Marco and Elias- their sons, 17, and 14

Lana Del Rey "Lust For Life" review

I am finally posting after over a year in what you might call bloggers" hiatus" or perhaps a very extreme case of writers block lol! I can't tell you how good it feels to be writing again, now that I actually have something to talk about. Tonight I want to discuss one of my favorite singers, Lana Del Rey's newest album, "Lust For Life." First off, I must confess that at first glance, or rather "first listen", I didn't fancy her 5th studio masterpiece. It wasn't atall what I was expecting and I kinda felt disappointed by how much she had changed her sound and style. I knew ultimately she was just trying to experiment a bit more, so her fan base wouldn't become bored of the same melancholia material. But I wasn't too crazy about the sudden shift to rapping, or the collaborating with the Weekend.( Honestly now I think the rapping is a pretty rad twist and The Weekend is such a cool, dynamic duo with Lana:) )

Since July though, I've grown and matured a lot more and begun to relate much more to Lana's lyrics. After listening to the entire album in full about fifteen different times, I eventually grew to like it. this wasn't a forced thing, like I felt I had to still support her even if it wasn't genuine. I just realized I really enjoyed hearing a new sound and a bit more positive,upbeat lyrics, in stark contract to the dark undertones of Ultraviolence and Born To Die. It makes me so happy and encourages me that Lana came out of a very sad, lonely, and depressed state of mind, and has now found real peace and joy after so long.

 Inspite of her terrible experiences with drug, alcohol, abuse, and disappointing love life, she has managed to come out of the fire stronger, sweeter, and bolder than ever before. One of the songs that really strikes me is "change" . I am so transformed into a totally different world, of new beginnings, second chances, and a newly found golden hope. "Change is a powerful thing, people are powerful beings. I can feel change coming in me. Maybe by the time summer's done I'll be able to be honest, capable, of holding you in my arms without letting you fall when I don't feel beautiful or stable maybe it's enough to just be where we are." These lyrics are so powerful and inspiring!

Especially during this season of my life, I find such truth and gold in them. I am on a journey back to myself, God, and the world, to reconnection, love, and freedom. I too am striving to again be honest and capable and vulnerable with those I love, without fear of rejection or abandonment. It is not easy for me to do, but I am learning to let go of my fear and give in to the healing power of love and acceptance and forgiveness. i am learning to be gentle with myself, patient, and take it as slow and easy as I need to. I am learning to relax, surrender, give in, and accept outcomes that are no longer in my control, but in the control of the Universe. I pray and I hope that God has a much better plan than I can possibly imagine, and I anticipate the day I will understand why my life is how it is right now.

A couple other favorites of mine are "Thirteen Beaches" and "White Mustang"
These two songs particularly struck a chord with me, reminding me of a man I once loved and truth be told still do:) Lana discusses her struggle to get over a past lover, and her unwillingness to move on from something she thought would last forever. But eventually she comes to the realization that she could not change her boyfriend, that it was up to him to save himself and to seek help for his evil ways. She persisted in loving him unconditionally, regardless of his struggles/ shortcomings. But she eventually had to come to the point of self-esteem and leaving a relationship that was too one-sided, where she was no longer receiving any love/recognition. I identify with these two so much right now,in my extreme confusion, loneliness, and indecision. I want to move on and accept that some people are not meant to grace the walls of my heart/life forever, but part of me still longs to see them again, to regain the bond of love we had, if only for such a short, bittersweet time. How do I let go of someone I thought was my whole future? How do I let go of someone who give me a reason to live again, who challenged, encouraged, inspired, and drove me to reach higher and to love bravely and persistently? I do not have the answers yet, but I am searching, seeking, and in the meantime, enjoying these beautiful ballads. 

Finally, I adore "Lust For Life" and "Love", maybe more so than any on the album. I believe this is primarily because I am unused to Lana belting out such carefree, fun melodies and I invite this rebirth/change. I love turning the volume up to max and driving in the country, singing at the top of my lungs to these empowering lyrics. When I am feeling stressed out, anxious, or worried I usually make a point of popping the lust for life cd in my car's player:) I mean I just find it so amazing and wonderfully inspiring that Lana has come out of the dark tunnel of alcoholism and depression to be reborn as a healthier, happier, and self-assured woman. She is confident in the person she has become and believes in herself, and her abilities to change and recover from painful life experiences and bad decisions, to reach out to those around her and share her newly found hope.



 " I get ready, I get all dressed up

To go nowhere in particular
It doesn't matter if I'm not enough
For the future or the things to come
'Cause I'm young and in love
I'm young and in love

Don't worry, baby
Don't worry, baby

also, isn't her little wink and dancing towards the end the cutest thing you ever saw?:)

I just love seeing her so happy and relaxed. 

Can we talk about the album artwork too? I mean, how cool is it? 

I love the daisy chains in her heart and the cool vintage rev's and green truck in the background. It just really contributes to the overall mood of the album and it's themes.At first, I vividly recall being shocked that Lana was smiling I repeat" SMILING" right on the front cover. If you know her and her usual style of music, you'd understand why that is such a change. She has discussed before in interviews how when she looks serious or sad, she is often just thinking and contemplating. Although obviously a good portion of the time during her early teen years and during her flight to fame, it was a legitimate depression. To see how far she has come since those lonely, dark nights is such an encouragement to me, having recently been struggling with mental illness, depression, and passively suicidal thoughts and actions. she is living proof that one can change if they really want to and have the bravery to seek help, as Lana did through therapy/rehab. 

Well, that was my personal take on this work of art. Please Let me know in the comments below what your first impressions were of Lana's latest album:) I'd love to hear from you and welcome a variety of opinions/ideas about her music. 

Pondering on Ingrid Michaelson

As an aspiring singer/songwriter, I'm always looking for new music to listen to and better ways to express my thoughts through lyrics. I'm always amazed by the freedom and open-ness of songwriting and how many different approaches you can take. I tend to write my feelings very simplistically but with a lot of poetic flair. But lately I feel as if I'm running out of words as an outlet for describing this season in my life. There are so many things I can't seem to fully say, so many things happening in my heart and mind. And then I discovered the amazing and brilliant Ingrid Michaelson. I adore her cover of "Can't Help Falling in Love", but that was the only thing I'd ever heard from her.


Then I saw  Christina Perri had posted on Twitter about how good her newest album was. I've been in desperate need of some new music, so I thought I would give it a go. Since then, lets say I've been a little obsessive compulsive over it:) ok, no, that's an understatement. I haven't really wanted to listen to anything else. The ingeniousness of this album can't be uttered enough. Even just the concept, "It Doesn't Have to Make Sense" is beautiful. Michaelson shares so many heart-breaking, yet thought-provoking songs in this album, relating to the painful experience of losing her mother/going through a divorce.


She tells how shocking and hard it was to go through these things, and how she wondered why such things were happening to her. Finally she gradually begins to realize that life doesn't always have to make sense. All of us go through confusing and devastating times in our life, when we question providence and why these things take place. But I love how this album has opened by eyes to this profound and deep truth.


Many times in the past couple years, I've questioned how God could allow me to go through such a lonely, uncertain, heart-breaking time. I still have no idea what my future will hold and I can't pretend I have a lot of faith for good things to be coming. But in listening to the album, I am reminded I don't have to have everything figured out. I don't have to always be in control and trying to prevent more bad events from taking place. I just need to learn to have peace and let life happen, as it was meant to play out. I may not always understand, I may not always have hope that things will one day be better.

But there is a meaningful and wonderful reason for why my life is the way it is, and someday it will make sense. Until then, I'm going to try to make the best of things. I'm going to strive without ceasing to love people and not give up my dreams, which are more than worth fighting for. I know that every tear I cry and every day my heart is sad and lonely will make me stronger. I look up to so many beautiful, inspirational women who have been through horrible stuff I can't envision happening.


But, to see them now, it amazes me how sweet and compassionate and loving they still are. They have used these scars and turned them into beauty. They have encouraged and blessed people like me that everything will be okay in the end. And if everything isn't ok, than it's not the end yet:)

If you haven't already, go buy Ingrid's new album. It is the real deal! "Be Ok" is also another favorite of mine. I love how sweet and fun the song is, but how it showcases my current reflections so perfect. Ingrid is such a smart and talented songwriter and woman. She inspires me, because she is so unapologetic about simply being herself. She loves who she is and isn't trying to fit a mold or expected definition of what is cool and beautiful. In "Miss America" she spins a delightful thread of lyrics, about how her mother instilled self-confidence in her from a young age. The chorus runs, "I'll never be Miss America. It's not the way I was born to be. it's like my mama she told me girl, there's so many ways to be beautiful".

I identify with this much, as I've also never been one to be conventional and never fit in very much at all. But I've learned to be happy and content with how I was made and be proud that I am not like all the other girls. It's so incredibly refreshing to see girls like Michaelson who aren't afraid of being different and celebrate their uniqueness.

Jewel Remedy & Reflections

I've always loved Jewel from the moment I first listened to "Spirit," now almost 3 years ago. Her soul is such a fascinating canvas of beauty, completely raw and honest. Her lyrics make me consider and contemplate things I never thought of before. She notices and observes things in humanity and society and her songs express pain, love, strong desire and heartbreak so elegantly.
My favorites from the" Pieces Of You" and "Spirit" album are, "You Were Meant For Me' "Near You Always" "Pieces Of You," "Jupiter" "Hands", "Do You", "Life Uncommon", and "Down So Long." Every one of these songs is so unique and out-of-the ordinary, displaying a deep,intimate portrayal of life. Jewel's eloquent, poetic way of telling her story, struggles, and feelings for her lover is admirable to say the least. I will always look up to her as a person and song-writer and hope to be as noble and brave as she is someday.


Jewel remained fearless and tenacious, pouring herself into learning the craft of singing/songwriting and playing the gutiar.  Amidst a complicated relationship with her parents, hardship, and homelessness, she conquered and succeeded after three long years. Then there is the heart-wrenching tale of her broken marriage, a relationship that ended after 16 years with Ty Murray. It's inspirational to me, how she found peace even after so many horrible things happened to her. It motivates me to keep trying my best and not let let my scars define me.I love how Jewel comes back to her roots, with her newest album. I am transported once again into the transparent, colorful world that is hers, where she bears her heart and soul. The older I get, the more I begin to finally understand her lyrics, the more I relate and cling to them. Lately, I identify especially with her bitter-sweet love songs like" Absence of Fear" and " Near You Always". I love how she expresses my feelings in such a powerful, romantic way. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my longing and that she too has felt the terrifying, yet beautiful feeling of being in love.
Favorite Songs from "Picking Up The Pieces", " The Shape of You," "Everything Breaks", "Mercy" and "Love Used To Be"